imperfectly (imperfectly) wrote,

Glue, stuck to my shoe...

I'm sick. Been trapped in the house for days. And guess what? We don't have cable television and I have gone quite mad.
However I just read an article about how the album Boys for Pele by Tori Amos is 15 years old...holy fuck...and how it changed this girls life.
That album to this day can take me back to a very weird and dark time in my life.
I was single.
Which I had been most of my life. I didn't really connect that way with humans back then.
Sure I had boy crushes. One of which I follow on Facebook and WOW did I dodge a bullet. Yikes.
It never crossed my mind to question my sexuality. I will admit I am not always self aware.
Anyways this was singleness after a relationship. I was not ever in love with Jason. But being with him caused a crazy tornado in my heart and guts. The aftermath left me writing some of the most fucked up things to ever meet a piece of paper. Yes LJ there was life before you :) I wish I had transferred some of that on to my laptop but they are clearly in a box in the basement labeled "Save in a Fire" along with every birthday card, holy communion, and get well wishes I had ever received. EVER. My gf thinks I am insane. Yep its too much work to go look for it. The way I felt after being with him was vile. I felt dirty. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to throw up all the bad feelings. It just felt so wrong.
Still not questioning my sexuality...ok maybe a little but just a tiny bit.
I remember laying face down on my bedroom floor with Boys for Pele on LOUD. I liked the way the vibrations felt. One song in particular made me think of him.

Putting the Damage on.

I'm trying not to move
It's just your ghost
Passing through
I said
I'm trying not to move
It's just your ghost passing through
It's just your ghost
Passing through
And now
I'm quite sure
There's a light in you platoon
I never seen a light move
LIke yours
Can do to Me
So now I'm wishing
For my best impression
of my best Angie Dickinson
But now I've got to worry
Cause boy you still look pretty
To me
But I've got a place to go
I've got a ticket to your late show
And now I'm worrying cause even still
You sure are pretty
When you're putting the damage on
When you're putting the damage on
You're just so pretty
When you're putting the damage on

...its just your ghost passing through.
Wow. Jason died in 2001. Those words mean somthing totally different to me now.

The album was just pure and raw. Exactly how I was feeling at that time.
15 years is a lifetime ago. And yet its sitting here in my living room right this moment.
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