shades of grey

Oh I miss titles ! *insomnia of doom *

Awake at 5am for no good reason except for that I'm old now.

This LiveJournal revival only makes me think of Krystal. She lives here. I can avoid her absence everywhere else but not here. Here or on AIM if AIM was a thing anymore. Could you have imagined in 1999 that AIM would be dead ?????? This journal has existed since August of 2001. I was 25. I was lonely , and this place gave me sanctuary. Reading that first years entries are like finding someone else's diary , a weird sad weirdo who never liked letting go and enjoyed the torture. At 40 ( about to be 41...fuck!) , I jump at the chance to be alone and cut people out of my life !!!! Poop. Oh yep there it is . I thought of her just now. Tillytollo I miss you.

krys guitar

Beauty in the breakdown

Today was my last day of work for 2 weeks. We were supposed to be leaving for vacation on Tuesday but with her mom like this we had to cancel.
Today started out bad because Erica ordered some new appliances for her moms place which were being delivered today. This sent her mom into a tizzy.
She was freaking out because she doesn't want her crazy nest of trash disturbed. She wanted to go with Erica ...oxygen tank and all to supervise. Little does she know we cleaned up a lot of her place already, she's going to freak out.
So she then starts bitching to me about Erica. She says she will never give her power of attorney because then e will throw all of her things out.
Her garbage is her life.
She cares about it more than her children.
And ps you don't need power of attorney to throw out garbage.
I can't take it.
Currently I'm terrified.
I'm afraid to be home alone here with her cuz what if something happens :(
So I'm hiding in bed while Erica is at hockey practice.
Mary has been sleeping all day and I'm quite scared that she doesn't have much time left, she has that look about her.
If you've ever watched some close to dying you know what I mean.

Depressing.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

krys guitar

(no subject)

Today I went to Zumba and then to Tim hortons.
I'm obsessed with TH. But today they die. I never really order food but I was ravenous ...
So I got the tomato and cheese and bacon panini.
When I got to my home it looked like hot chicken salad and smelled like cat food.
No.
I threw it out and then had to eat trader joes version of spaghetti ohs.
Which I don't like.
Grrrrrrrranimals.
So I took the mini to wash it it looks so pretty.
Want to see a pic of her???

This is when I first bought her last year ;)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

krys guitar

Sleep, no.

Dear almost 4 am, really???
My brain is going to explode.
About 2 weeks ago Ericas mom found a lump under her arm. She had breast cancer and partial mastectomy and chemo last year.
Actually her last chemo was in January of this year.
So she has this lump biopsied and it's recurrent breast cancer.
Great.
If only that was it.
She had a cat scan last week and it's everywhere.
Brain, liver,lymph,lungs and spleen.
Stage 4.
Yeah remember how her dad just died in April?
It's absolutely terrible.
I feel crazy and upset and like I want to run away screaming.
Her mom isn't normal , mental illness ...so it makes it a million times harder.
She can't live with us or Erica will "hang herself".
She won't let us move her out of her hoarder nest into an apt near us.
So we are driving an hour back and forth with her to appointments.
I'm certain that if any home health care or EMS had to be called to her house they would have it condemned and put her in a facility. So now we have to go clean up her shit AGAIN.
How is on person so destructive ? Why Fo you throw shit on the floor and never pick it up?
Ugh.
And here is the cycle...we feel sad.
We feel bad.
We want to kill her.
We feel guilty.
It's a rollercoaster to doomsville.

Let me off please.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

krys guitar

(no subject)

We just picked up Ericas mom and she's weirdly skinny ... I'm scared.

Tommorrow we take her to the doctors, hopefully know the plan.
Then we have to drive to Ohio to do some things at her dads house to get ready to sell it.
This weekend sucks!
To make it a slight bit better I'm getting in the jacuzzi with an entire bottle of wine.
Thank you very much.

My coworker had her baby yesterday and he had more hair than me!!!
I held him and wondered what it would have felt like to hold my nephew Sam.
I miss that tiny baby.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.