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imperfectly

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[26 Apr 2010|09:54pm]
just 2 and half more days of work to go before vacation time.
i might not make it.
on sunday morning erica and i are leaving on a canadian road trip.
we are staying 2 nights in toronto, then driving to montreal and staying 5 nights, then heading over to ottawa for 3 !
i have 2 complete weeks off work and im so excited.
we never get to spend whole days together and its going to be really amazing to relax and have fun for 2 weeks in a row !!!

we have been living together about 3 months now. so weird.
but really good.
i am very happy.
im still working on not being sad about forclosing on my condo....i have moments.


perhaps when i get back i will post a pic or 2.
<3
suck my brain out

[23 Jul 2009|05:48pm]
im being held captive
its not my choice
to cry, or laugh
sleep or eat.
this vessel rocks and sways
and i am no captain

inside the waterways
there are invaders
im tied up and bound

i dont know when i will get to land
feet on ground
i hope you know its not about you
these words and tears
they are theirs
im yelling
but it does no good
waiting for control
im at the mercy of this ship wreck
drenched in saltwater
some of it mine
arms and legs flailing
i move when they move

inside the waterways
there are invaders
im tied up and bound
2 sucks|suck my brain out

[30 Jun 2009|02:31pm]
i think in another week its gonna look pretty good.
mederma costs alot folks what the hell ????

1 suck|suck my brain out

[30 Jun 2009|12:21pm]
went to the surgeons office today
i cant believe its been a week already.
she took the tape off the incision...it aint pretty folks.
maybe i will take a pic later...
pathology confirmed it was indeed cancer.
the nodule on my thyroid was 3.5cm and all of that was a ball of cancer.
its kinda horrifying to think about.
that i had something inside of me that could kill me.
my calicium level was good from my bloodwork yesterday.
so they want me to stop taking it to see what happens.
i have an appt with the endocrinologist in the afternoon.
that makes me a lil nervous.
so im going to stay at ericas tonight.
so im not alone.
im ready for a nap.
1 suck|suck my brain out

cancer is crazy [29 Jun 2009|06:09pm]
monday night 6-22-09
erica and i went to locos in greektown cuz i wanted nachos as my last meal.
we pigged out.
came back to my place made sure i had all my stuff packed for the hospital and went to bed.
tuesday 6-23-09
woke up in a state of panic at 7am.
threw up entire contents of stomach.
yikes nachos are no good the second time around.
i had to be at the hospital at 11:30 am . erica was kinda working from home that morning so we laid around for a while , she helped me relax :)
my parents picked me up at about 10:45
losts of waiting around at the hospital in the pre op areas
tuesday is a huge blur ...i mean hours of time are missing from my life.
i remember being brought to the pre op area at about 1pm my surgery was scheduled for 2. i was laying in a bed nervous as hell.
they gave me an iv with something to calm me.
eventually i am wheeled into the op room. im transferred from one table to another. mind you my main concern is that my butt might be showing.
the butt showing is a constant theme...
so i lay down they hook up weird things to me.
tell me they are going to start oxygen.
put the mask on me and next thing i know its 6pm.
i open my eyes in recovery and the first thing i hear is a giant man yelling I GOTTA PEE!!!!
ummmmm ok not good hes like screaming and im totally out of it. i can hear the nurse yelling at him to calm down and then they drugged him back to sleep.
i was aware for a second before they asked me if i was in pain and i said yes in a whisper and they pushed some pain meds and i was out.
oh wait they tried to put a bed pan under me...and i was all hellll noooooo.
i barely remember being wheeled up to my room ...again a transfer of beds and im like my butt is hanging out!!!!
i get settled and i can see out the cracked door my family and erica and julie and betsy.
i remember getting so happy when i saw ericas little head.
everything is fuzzy for a while.
everyone leave except for erica. she stays with me the whole night.
shes half sleeping on the bed and in a chair...a super nice nurse brings her a pull out bed chair thingy.
i was so happy she was there. i was in lots of pain. and the morphine made me crazy lol.
i had a hallucination of a hairy cookie that was wearing a parade of the wooden soldiers outfit.
and also just cheese. slices of it in my head.
wednesday 6-24-09
so i was hoping to go home the next day.
unfortunately i felt like utter poop. i was in a lot of pain. and my chest was hurting.
like it felt really tight. and i could breathe ok but it was just painful.
so they decided to keep me one more night.
i slept away lots of wednesday.
thursday 6-25-09
i think im going home iv is out and everything. i feel totally ok to leave.
now i find out that my calcium is too low.
and i cant leave.
ugh. apparently you can have tremors...seizures...and heart issues.
son of a beehive. so now they start a calcium drip thru the IV.
while i was IV less i took a shower. which sucked and i cried.
first of all it was a shared shower with the other room. so i was terrified that someone was going to come in even tho i locked both doors.
then i couldnt turn the water on and had to have erica come in and do it.
then it was too hot. again i call for erica. this time im standing there crying.
worst shower of my life.
erica had to leave early thursday night and again more tears.
is that the night MJ died ??? i feel like i just watched tv all night.
friday 6-26-09
calcium still low. not looking good.
i think its here i start to get a lil crazy. i cannot handle being there anymore.
erica tried her hardest to save me from myself.
she brought scrabble and pictionary...
we played a great game of pictionary with julie idaho !!
she got me a yummy lunch and threatened people so they came to visit.
that helped alot cuz i was yelling at nurses at this point.
sometime durning the night i got off my iv.
julie and bets were awesome and brought us thai food !
and then they got to watch a nurse blow the vein in my hand. sweet.
saturday 6-27-09
i shower at like 7 am when i realize im not connected to an iv.
so happy.
then i waited around for them to do a blood draw that i then tried to refuse because it was like noon and i was not staying there another day to wait around for the results.
and also but this time my arm was not enjoying the stabs. i look like a heroin addict.
they assured me it would be urgent and back within the hour.
and low and behold my levels were good.
and i went home.
never so happy to see moross rd. in my life.
more to come later....
3 sucks|suck my brain out

[27 Jun 2009|08:20am]
good news is that surgery seems to have gone fine.
bad news is that im still in the hospital due to low calcium levels.
omg get me outta here.
if i dont leave today im going to tear this room up rockstar style.
suck my brain out

[12 Jun 2009|07:14pm]
i saw the soul
inside of you
i had to make a move
there was no question
i was going to love you
situations, complications
there was no question
my clumsy heart
made proclamtions
knowing it could hurt
noone makes me feel electric like you do
i had to find out
what was behind those eyes
i couldnt pass up
knowing you
like i know you now
i feel lucky
inside your arms
i had to make a move
to get to here
there was no question
i was going to love you
suck my brain out

[21 May 2009|09:15am]
i find out my test results today.
im nervous.
suck my brain out

[14 May 2009|09:45am]
so today i get my thyroid biopsy.
having a giant needle stuck in my neck is awesome !
its at 2pm today at St Johns.
apparently it only takes 15 mins but i have to have someone with me because they numb
my neck and cannot drive.
then i have to lay with an ice pack on for a while i guess.
a crazy nurse called me yesterday to inform me of this oh and to tell me not to wear a good shirt cuz there is a chance blood could drip.
great !
so erica is leaving work and picking me up to take me. then i have requested Andiamo on the river for an early dinner because i cant eat today before and i will need a treat.
waiting for the results suck.
anxiety !
if it is thyroid cancer thankfully its very easy to treat. they chop it out. and you are done.
but lets hope its just a friendly large nodule.
4 sucks|suck my brain out

just a few shots from ireland [11 May 2009|12:08am]








2 sucks|suck my brain out

[27 Apr 2009|10:37am]
its here.
i leave for ireland tomorrow !!!
first we have a 9am flight out of detroit to chicago. which is backwards but the irish airline doesnt fly outta detroit and chicago was cheaper than new york.
so basically we get to chicago at 930???? lol
we are going to most likely check our bags and take a train into chi to have lunch.
we then depart from chicago to ireland at 4ish i think. erica has all the details.
if someone would have told me a year ago that i was going to ireland with erica i would have laughed.
this time last year we began exchanging myspace comments back and forth.
how a year changes things.
i pretty much have all my clothes packed. i have to clean up a little so the roomie isnt here in messy loft while she watches pepper.
im so so so excited !!!!!!
oh heres a random pic of us from a few weeks ago:


arent we cute ???
im so happy.

i had a crazy experience yesterday...
i was driving to work listening to the actual radio
when a live version of BNL's what a good boy came on.
omg i never here that song on the radio.
i got chills and goosebumps and the warmest feeling all over.
i cried.
thanks krystal. its good to know you havent forgotten me.
:)
6 sucks|suck my brain out

[21 Apr 2009|12:50am]
i leave for ireland in 1 week.
i cannot wait to be in a beautiful country with my amazing girlfriend !!!!
:)

tomorrow, er, today im getting an ultrasound on my neck.
i have a lump. its what i call my angry neck lump.
im a tiny bit scared.
but relatively sure its my thyroid.
its been there a while and its not growing.
they took 5 viles of blood from me last week!
fingers crossed.
2 sucks|suck my brain out

[24 Mar 2009|11:11pm]
this is so hard.
im making the decision to leave my condo.
via the route of forclosure or bankruptcy.
holly doesnt pay half.
we cant sell it.
im broke.
ive been sacrificing health and happiness for something i thought i wanted.
i cannot do it anymore im drowning.
im scared.
and i need lots of support to get thru it.
this place was my dream.
but not my burden alone.
and now its become only something that i resent.
i want out.
but my heart breaks.
and my sadness clouds my thinking.
i just need time.
for resolution.

i want to be happy.
4 sucks|suck my brain out

[25 Feb 2009|01:24am]
this pisces turns 33 in about 9 hours.
also i find it inappropriate that my birthday is on ash wednesday.
im giving up sharing my bday with weird religious days for lent.

also this might be the happiest birthday ive had in years.
2 sucks|suck my brain out

[01 Feb 2009|05:43pm]
sometimes love
is a surprise visit
on a sunday morning
fresh homemade crepes
walks in the snow
and cuddling.
<3
suck my brain out

[01 Dec 2008|10:13pm]
dark
its just what i like
when i come home at night
i stop
and pour myself a drink
hot water
i slide in and sink
im painfully aware
of the swirly red stare
i gaze in
i stop and think
whats this heart here for
and why do i feel
real
im really quite
dark
like the pulse that i feel
when im deep in this space
i cant replace
the she and the he
im only me
and sometimes i bleed
this magenta hot water
im her
the one with the lost red shape
i get deep
i fall under
i cant swim
and i drown in myself
dark
red and thick like the syrup
that surrounds my love
that i give
i hold it above
your mouth
come down on mine
release
im free
im just me.
suck my brain out

[24 Nov 2008|11:44pm]
i want my girlfriend to come home.
now.
i miss her.
:)
suck my brain out

[18 Nov 2008|01:31am]
tonight i had to put my cat vincent to sleep.
im very sad.
i had him for 10 years.
he was between 16-18 years old.
hes cleary been on the decline
but it was like his soul and body had a disconnect
cuz he so wanted to be here but his body was giving out.
i came home from work and he couldnt walk without falling over...
seemed neuro so i took him to the emergency vet
it took me an hour to make a decision
i feel so bad.
i feel guilty.

he was my friend.
i will miss him.
7 sucks|suck my brain out

[06 Nov 2008|02:51am]
i havent felt like this in forever.
she makes my stomach drop
and my heart race
and most importantly
she connects with me and its something even i cant put to words.
:)
suck my brain out

[15 Oct 2008|07:33pm]
how can you expect things to get hot,

when you wont get close to the fire?
suck my brain out

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