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[02 Mar 2012|03:55pm] i just turned 36 !!! having brunch with my good friend and fellow ljer this morning and when i told her i was missing my youth she said go read your livejournal...you will get over it quick! ha. so true. ahh the bittersweet memories. life is good. kinda ready for a vaca tho. ericas parents have been sick over the past 6 months so most of our free weekends were not really free. again....youth where did you go ??? just having the time to connect to my thoughts and emotions is a thing of the past. being creative comes easy but focusing that and channeling it into anything never seems to happen. i blame life stealing life. i never reflect on the day or hell the month. sometimes its just that i have grown up and out of my single self. my life isnt just about me and my thoughts anymore. but i think i need just a little of that. i start to feel disconnected from me. music is going good. learning some new tunes tonight. work is good. and worky. i miss my friend kellie. but i dont know if i miss her or how we were in the past. we arent that anymore. and by noones fault. she send me an awesome bday card and i cried lol. when did someone push fast forward ?? 2 sucks|suck my brain out

[20 Oct 2011|11:48am] even all these years cant hold us together no amount of tears can make this right its hard to hold back you twist and turn you are the best , at keeping track let you drown in your sorry now i will let you drown i wont say im sorry now you pushed away hands in front of your face your eyes were grey its not safe in the shadows i know you hurt, but you hurt too cover this in dirt the rest will fade away you cant always be the victim, life just isnt fair, i want you to hear in this silence , the words you wont say. let you drown in your sorry now i will let you drown i wont say im sorry now suck my brain out

[30 Sep 2011|04:41pm] dammit. if i creep around on here long enough i always wind up laughing or crying. i just did both. damn you tillytollo. 1 suck|suck my brain out

[30 Jun 2011|03:26pm] fallen your black beneath the shadow cast on you broken stuggling to hide forgotten by a mother to far away to reach you i want to save you but im scared to get to close i left you in danger how could i ignore ? silence cant quiet your screams i hear them a million miles away i dont know if you will fly or fall suffering one way or another if i put my hands upon you my touch could kill such delicate death i saw you plead with your eyes my breaking heart falling thru time i couldnt fix you but this one i could save. suck my brain out

[23 Jun 2011|11:30pm] Hey! I went to Rome !!! Heres me and Erica at the Roman Forum/Palentine Hill ! I want to update i swear. if you arent already follow me on facebook: Erin Williams i do love a good midnight lj stroll thru the past tho ! god i feel like im reading 6 diffrent peoples diaries yet its all me. life is nuts and ever changing. 2 sucks|suck my brain out

[23 Jun 2011|01:33am] this place is so neglected. at least i have the memories. suck my brain out

Glue, stuck to my shoe... [12 Feb 2011|03:01pm] I'm sick. Been trapped in the house for days. And guess what? We don't have cable television and I have gone quite mad. Ahem. However I just read an article about how the album Boys for Pele by Tori Amos is 15 years old...holy fuck...and how it changed this girls life. That album to this day can take me back to a very weird and dark time in my life. I was single. Which I had been most of my life. I didn't really connect that way with humans back then. Sure I had boy crushes. One of which I follow on Facebook and WOW did I dodge a bullet. Yikes. It never crossed my mind to question my sexuality. I will admit I am not always self aware. Anyways this was singleness after a relationship. I was not ever in love with Jason. But being with him caused a crazy tornado in my heart and guts. The aftermath left me writing some of the most fucked up things to ever meet a piece of paper. Yes LJ there was life before you :) I wish I had transferred some of that on to my laptop but they are clearly in a box in the basement labeled "Save in a Fire" along with every birthday card, holy communion, and get well wishes I had ever received. EVER. My gf thinks I am insane. Yep its too much work to go look for it. The way I felt after being with him was vile. I felt dirty. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to throw up all the bad feelings. It just felt so wrong. Still not questioning my sexuality...ok maybe a little but just a tiny bit. I remember laying face down on my bedroom floor with Boys for Pele on LOUD. I liked the way the vibrations felt. One song in particular made me think of him. Putting the Damage on. I'm trying not to move It's just your ghost Passing through I said I'm trying not to move It's just your ghost passing through It's just your ghost Passing through And now I'm quite sure There's a light in you platoon I never seen a light move LIke yours Can do to Me So now I'm wishing For my best impression of my best Angie Dickinson But now I've got to worry Cause boy you still look pretty To me But I've got a place to go I've got a ticket to your late show And now I'm worrying cause even still You sure are pretty When you're putting the damage on Yes When you're putting the damage on You're just so pretty When you're putting the damage on ...its just your ghost passing through. Wow. Jason died in 2001. Those words mean somthing totally different to me now. The album was just pure and raw. Exactly how I was feeling at that time. 15 years is a lifetime ago. And yet its sitting here in my living room right this moment. 3 sucks|suck my brain out

Kindred soul [02 Feb 2011|11:04pm] I just finished reading The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It has broken my heart and reminded me of my lost kindred soul. Don't take anyone you love for granted. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. 2 sucks|suck my brain out

[09 Sep 2010|11:56am] 7 years ago i lost one of my dearest friends. krystal died on sept 6 2003. i didnt find out till the 8th. i was out of town at a wedding. i remember feeling so guilty that i was at a wedding literally while my friend died. :( some years its easy...to just note time passing. this year was not one of those. i spent most of monday in tears. so much has changed. and i ache to share it with her. i miss her. and i wish she was only a plane ride away. it used to see so far. but what i wouldnt give to have those 2000 miles back. :( suck my brain out

[26 Apr 2010|09:54pm] just 2 and half more days of work to go before vacation time. i might not make it. on sunday morning erica and i are leaving on a canadian road trip. we are staying 2 nights in toronto, then driving to montreal and staying 5 nights, then heading over to ottawa for 3 ! i have 2 complete weeks off work and im so excited. we never get to spend whole days together and its going to be really amazing to relax and have fun for 2 weeks in a row !!! we have been living together about 3 months now. so weird. but really good. i am very happy. im still working on not being sad about forclosing on my condo....i have moments. perhaps when i get back i will post a pic or 2. <3 suck my brain out

[23 Jul 2009|05:48pm] im being held captive its not my choice to cry, or laugh sleep or eat. this vessel rocks and sways and i am no captain inside the waterways there are invaders im tied up and bound i dont know when i will get to land feet on ground i hope you know its not about you these words and tears they are theirs im yelling but it does no good waiting for control im at the mercy of this ship wreck drenched in saltwater some of it mine arms and legs flailing i move when they move inside the waterways there are invaders im tied up and bound 2 sucks|suck my brain out

[30 Jun 2009|02:31pm] i think in another week its gonna look pretty good. mederma costs alot folks what the hell ???? 1 suck|suck my brain out

[30 Jun 2009|12:21pm] went to the surgeons office today i cant believe its been a week already. she took the tape off the incision...it aint pretty folks. maybe i will take a pic later... pathology confirmed it was indeed cancer. the nodule on my thyroid was 3.5cm and all of that was a ball of cancer. its kinda horrifying to think about. that i had something inside of me that could kill me. my calicium level was good from my bloodwork yesterday. so they want me to stop taking it to see what happens. i have an appt with the endocrinologist in the afternoon. that makes me a lil nervous. so im going to stay at ericas tonight. so im not alone. im ready for a nap. 1 suck|suck my brain out

cancer is crazy [29 Jun 2009|06:09pm] monday night 6-22-09 erica and i went to locos in greektown cuz i wanted nachos as my last meal. we pigged out. came back to my place made sure i had all my stuff packed for the hospital and went to bed. tuesday 6-23-09 woke up in a state of panic at 7am. threw up entire contents of stomach. yikes nachos are no good the second time around. i had to be at the hospital at 11:30 am . erica was kinda working from home that morning so we laid around for a while , she helped me relax :) my parents picked me up at about 10:45 losts of waiting around at the hospital in the pre op areas tuesday is a huge blur ...i mean hours of time are missing from my life. i remember being brought to the pre op area at about 1pm my surgery was scheduled for 2. i was laying in a bed nervous as hell. they gave me an iv with something to calm me. eventually i am wheeled into the op room. im transferred from one table to another. mind you my main concern is that my butt might be showing. the butt showing is a constant theme... so i lay down they hook up weird things to me. tell me they are going to start oxygen. put the mask on me and next thing i know its 6pm. i open my eyes in recovery and the first thing i hear is a giant man yelling I GOTTA PEE!!!! ummmmm ok not good hes like screaming and im totally out of it. i can hear the nurse yelling at him to calm down and then they drugged him back to sleep. i was aware for a second before they asked me if i was in pain and i said yes in a whisper and they pushed some pain meds and i was out. oh wait they tried to put a bed pan under me...and i was all hellll noooooo. i barely remember being wheeled up to my room ...again a transfer of beds and im like my butt is hanging out!!!! i get settled and i can see out the cracked door my family and erica and julie and betsy. i remember getting so happy when i saw ericas little head. everything is fuzzy for a while. everyone leave except for erica. she stays with me the whole night. shes half sleeping on the bed and in a chair...a super nice nurse brings her a pull out bed chair thingy. i was so happy she was there. i was in lots of pain. and the morphine made me crazy lol. i had a hallucination of a hairy cookie that was wearing a parade of the wooden soldiers outfit. and also just cheese. slices of it in my head. wednesday 6-24-09 so i was hoping to go home the next day. unfortunately i felt like utter poop. i was in a lot of pain. and my chest was hurting. like it felt really tight. and i could breathe ok but it was just painful. so they decided to keep me one more night. i slept away lots of wednesday. thursday 6-25-09 i think im going home iv is out and everything. i feel totally ok to leave. now i find out that my calcium is too low. and i cant leave. ugh. apparently you can have tremors...seizures...and heart issues. son of a beehive. so now they start a calcium drip thru the IV. while i was IV less i took a shower. which sucked and i cried. first of all it was a shared shower with the other room. so i was terrified that someone was going to come in even tho i locked both doors. then i couldnt turn the water on and had to have erica come in and do it. then it was too hot. again i call for erica. this time im standing there crying. worst shower of my life. erica had to leave early thursday night and again more tears. is that the night MJ died ??? i feel like i just watched tv all night. friday 6-26-09 calcium still low. not looking good. i think its here i start to get a lil crazy. i cannot handle being there anymore. erica tried her hardest to save me from myself. she brought scrabble and pictionary... we played a great game of pictionary with julie idaho !! she got me a yummy lunch and threatened people so they came to visit. that helped alot cuz i was yelling at nurses at this point. sometime durning the night i got off my iv. julie and bets were awesome and brought us thai food ! and then they got to watch a nurse blow the vein in my hand. sweet. saturday 6-27-09 i shower at like 7 am when i realize im not connected to an iv. so happy. then i waited around for them to do a blood draw that i then tried to refuse because it was like noon and i was not staying there another day to wait around for the results. and also but this time my arm was not enjoying the stabs. i look like a heroin addict. they assured me it would be urgent and back within the hour. and low and behold my levels were good. and i went home. never so happy to see moross rd. in my life. more to come later.... 3 sucks|suck my brain out

[27 Jun 2009|08:20am] good news is that surgery seems to have gone fine. bad news is that im still in the hospital due to low calcium levels. omg get me outta here. if i dont leave today im going to tear this room up rockstar style. suck my brain out

[12 Jun 2009|07:14pm] i saw the soul inside of you i had to make a move there was no question i was going to love you situations, complications there was no question my clumsy heart made proclamtions knowing it could hurt noone makes me feel electric like you do i had to find out what was behind those eyes i couldnt pass up knowing you like i know you now i feel lucky inside your arms i had to make a move to get to here there was no question i was going to love you suck my brain out

[21 May 2009|09:15am] i find out my test results today. im nervous. suck my brain out

[14 May 2009|09:45am] so today i get my thyroid biopsy. having a giant needle stuck in my neck is awesome ! its at 2pm today at St Johns. apparently it only takes 15 mins but i have to have someone with me because they numb my neck and cannot drive. then i have to lay with an ice pack on for a while i guess. a crazy nurse called me yesterday to inform me of this oh and to tell me not to wear a good shirt cuz there is a chance blood could drip. great ! so erica is leaving work and picking me up to take me. then i have requested Andiamo on the river for an early dinner because i cant eat today before and i will need a treat. waiting for the results suck. anxiety ! if it is thyroid cancer thankfully its very easy to treat. they chop it out. and you are done. but lets hope its just a friendly large nodule. 4 sucks|suck my brain out

just a few shots from ireland [11 May 2009|12:08am] 2 sucks|suck my brain out

[27 Apr 2009|10:37am] its here. i leave for ireland tomorrow !!! first we have a 9am flight out of detroit to chicago. which is backwards but the irish airline doesnt fly outta detroit and chicago was cheaper than new york. so basically we get to chicago at 930???? lol we are going to most likely check our bags and take a train into chi to have lunch. we then depart from chicago to ireland at 4ish i think. erica has all the details. if someone would have told me a year ago that i was going to ireland with erica i would have laughed. this time last year we began exchanging myspace comments back and forth. how a year changes things. i pretty much have all my clothes packed. i have to clean up a little so the roomie isnt here in messy loft while she watches pepper. im so so so excited !!!!!! oh heres a random pic of us from a few weeks ago: arent we cute ??? im so happy. i had a crazy experience yesterday... i was driving to work listening to the actual radio when a live version of BNL's what a good boy came on. omg i never here that song on the radio. i got chills and goosebumps and the warmest feeling all over. i cried. thanks krystal. its good to know you havent forgotten me. :) 6 sucks|suck my brain out

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